Siberian Winter
by Blumenblood21
Summary: Gilbert Beilschimdt, a betrayer to his homeland, to his own Reich runs away from Germany and his own comerades to Russia with his false diguise as a Russian. Eventually, he losts his way and ends up in the coldest of places on earth, Siberia. An elder Russian man finds him and shelters him until the next up coming spring... PruRus and PruUkraine
1. Один

_"Grandpa? Can you tell the story again? Your story?" Ivana asks with her childish smile, her beautiful dimples and rosy lips._

_"Sure. But this is the last time." Gilbert answers calmly and opens his diary._

_This is his story, the truth within his own life from years ago. He has re-read this notebook more than 100s of times, and he can remember everything with details. Here he has another fan. Ivana will listen to his story quietly, with interest. With love and with the same bright spirit her mother holds._

_Gilbert pats her hair and smiles_.

"_December 1944_..."

**Gilbert POV**

It was a brutal day. The wind was blowing through my bones and breathing was hard.

I was aimlessly walking done the woods, without a map, without a sign or without someone who could guide me. I felt so hurt by the time; I had just lost my brother to the murderers. I lost him to the war. I missed him so much, it hurt me a lot. Ludwig was only 18 years old; I should've been dead instead of him. He was a beautiful man, a dedicated, loyal man.

But his eyes never met the beauty of the world again. He was gone, lucky him!

I ran away from my boss with the fake passport I found. It was very hard, yet I managed it somehow. There was no return. Maybe, I was just one hell of a lucky bastard to free myself from the German community, but I wasn't much happier with in Russians, as well. My life was in danger, they could catch me anytime. With a false passport and name, identity and a few vocabs I knew, they weren't enough. I had learned Russian from a friend years ago, before the war had started. Thanks to him, I could solve my simple problems, but it wasn't enough to empower my false Russian identity. A Russian who couldn't speak Russian!

For weeks I was walking aimlessly through the villages and the woods. The winter was cruel and I couldn't continue on my journey. Even pushing myself wasn't helpful. It only hurt my feet and shortened my breathes. It was such a beautiful yet wild view!

My mind was set on a place, where nobody knew me. Alone. In coldness of Russia.

As I was walking down to near a stream to frozen water, I felt my knees weaken. I fell.

I had never felt this cold before. The water was freezing, my lungs burned. My fingers were numb and the coldness pressed my body and my skin felt clammy.

I had never drunk that much amount of water in my life! Jesus Christ helped me pull myself up in a corner. It was freezing. The sky was dark, which reminded me of the hours of floating in water. At least I didn't die.

I pull myself to the shore.

I was so tired and in pain, that I gave up. My body wasn't responding anymore, so I just lie down on my back on the shore of the stream. The sky was cloudy, and sometimes through the darkness, when the sky cleared, I could see the sparkling stars ahead. It was beautiful.

Eventually, I fell asleep and lost my timing again.

The very first thing I heard on the next morning was the crunching sound of frozen snow. It sounded like a foot step to me. I wondered if it was a boar or a wolf, worse a tiger. I played dead until the steps stopped. I opened my eyes slowly to observe my surroundings.

As soon as I opened my eyes, a face appeared. It was so close to me, I freaked out.

I crawled back and hit my head at a tree. The man just looked at me. Maybe confused.

He huffed and buried his face with a scarf. The winter mantel and Ushanka were all dark, making his half naked face shiny. He was so pale.

I held my breath; this man could be one of them! Did he follow me this far? If so why wasn't he killing me? Again, I was so startled.

I moved a little and the man drifted his eyes away. He stood up and looked around him.

He gestured towards me and said something. It was so windy that I could barely hear him.

"Huh? What?" I asked in broken Russian.

"Stand up." That was all I could hear, better said: understood.

I slowly managed to stand even though my body protested against it. It hurt my muscles to take a long step between the knee length snows. It could have been worse!

I was following the unknown Russian without any questions. He walked ahead.

We were in middle of the woods, in darkest of the places, when he stopped. He motioned towards me.

As I looked at my side, far behind a set of full, tall trees, there was a small house. The smoke from chimney showed that it was warm. I changed my direction towards the house. I felt so relaxed when I stepped inside the house. It had a carpet! A curtain and a warm aura. I felt so at ease. I took my jacket and boots off. It felt so good to feel the warmth of a burning fire once again, for I had stayed out for nearly three weeks!

It was odd for me to see that a Russian was willing to help me. Yet, he never knew a thing about my past. I was the Russian man, who loathed Germany... And Germans.

As I slept, I dreamed about my brother. His body was still wet with his blood, but he smiled at me and left me alone. I woke up and saw the same man sitting frame on a chair beside the fireplace. He was reading a book. I could read a little Russian, but not as good as to understand.

"You... up." I hardly understood. I nodded.

"Good. You... food... eat. Cold." Ugh, it was so hard to interpret his words. His voice was deep and his dark blue eyes stared at mine. Maybe I seemed different; I was different because of my albinism. An albino was rarely found in a jungle wearing a military uniform.

"Thank you." I ate the food. It was potato and chicken soup. I hadn't had a real food since before. I smiled at him. He just looked at me with the same expression. I was never good at reading people, he was unreadable.

He gathered all the dishes and put them on the sink, and I secretly watched him from behind. He was muscular, tall and broad shouldered. I knew that he was a soldier from his posture. His straight shoulder and perfect position were obvious to one of elite privates.

He turned back and handed me a cup. I drank it without much care, the drink was clear. But, my throat started to burn. I coughed so badly, the drink felt like swallowing hot oil.

He just smiled and rose a bottle. Now, I noticed that it was vodka. Typical Russian drink.

"Vodka good." I tried to smile, but my throat was still sizzling.

"No." I coughed again. He laughed this time. His was voice so deep and horrifying.

"You aren't Russian, are you?" I was so astonished with his question. Suddenly, every word he said made sense. He was speaking German.

"What?" I asked in Russian, but he only narrowed his eyes with a smile.

I was afraid of him. I felt as if I was to get caught, but just nodded his head and muttered something in Russian I couldn't understand.

"I can speak German fluently; don't torture yourself by talking Russian. Your accent," He was right. I sucked at Russian. He smiled again, and I just admitted the fact.

"Yes. I am German." He stopped to take a moment and look at me, but continued on reading, without uttering a word anymore.

...

Sorry for the mistakes. If you liked this chapter or found any mistakes, please make sure to inform me. It helps me to get better.


	2. Zwei

Ivan helped me a lot. He helped mostly only by speaking German, a language I could understand. He was a calm person with no intention to fight, rather conservative and closed in doors. I tried to ask him about his job, he did seem like to own one. I tried to communicate by helping him with chores, yet he stayed away from me. I was so inflamed and angry for feeling like an unwanted guest, except guests can leave but I couldn't.

Most of the days, Ivan stayed outside beside the stream he had found me. Hours and hours, he sat beside the frozen water and stared at it, as if there were the most interesting creatures of the world. Most of the times, he just drank bitter coffee or vodka. Most of the times, he came back home with his eyes red and puffed, he cried. Sometimes when I woke up in night, I could hear him whimper in his sleep and that really was a horrible scene. At some points I really wanted to leave him, to leave his home and let him alone. He barely spoke, barely ate and barely looked at me, as if I didn't exist.

He disappeared once in a while to bring supplies to his small house from the closest city. The winter in Russia had always been brutal, but that year, it was the most difficult of times for me. The loss of my brother, my family and my poor people, yet I was the coward who had been running away. I was stuck in that house with him, because my life was in danger... and I was glad that Ivan had let me stay. Even though he never knew I existed there. His warm manner from the first day had dusted away. I was invisible!

"Take a seat." At one of those stormy days, when Ivan couldn't follow his daily routine near the shore, he asked me to join him in a drink. I was new with alcohol; I really didn't enjoy it much.

"Prost!" I had never drunk that much alcohol at once, my throat burned and I had a funny feeling. Tipsy. I coughed and noticed that my nose was running, but I didn't care much because we were in middle of winter in Russia.

But as it felt, it wasn't my nose, it was blood. My nose was bleeding because of the amount of alcohol I had consumed. Pressure.

I ignored the flowing blood from my nose, threw my head back and let scarlet drops land on my hand and clothes. At first, Ivan just watched me with his blank face, but after a moment when I wanted to quaff yet another glass, a drop dropped inside it. I horridly looked at him who sat in front of me. He slammed the bottle on the table and started to laugh. His voice was so different, yet I barely heard him speak, maybe it was my hallucination. Maybe I was just dreaming, but he was laughing. His voice was shaking and it was imperfect, still boisterous and genuine.

I joined him, too. His cheeks were red from the alcohol roaming in his body and the tip of his nose stained red, while the rest of his face and hands were as white as the snow outside. Well, I couldn't really compare him to myself, because I am an albino and I was the palest amongst us. As I wiped the blood away with my sleeve, it hit me that Ivan was an interesting person. He was constantly laughing and smiling when he was drunk. Alcohol eased his false tensions. That night, it was the first time I had seen his teeth, they were white and arranged. That night, I noticed so many things about him despite my drunk- illusions. For example: whenever he swung his head around or rested his neck, I could see some scares around his neckline. He always wore high turtleneck pullovers all the time and covered it with his scarf. But that night, he wasn't paying any attention, or maybe he wanted me to see the marks.

"Don't touch." As I leaned forward to touch it while he had his eyes closed, he snatched my wrist and warned me with a glare, but let go. From then till later, I didn't dare to skin ship with him. He was different. He smiled with his eyes closed and laughed, it was creepy.

He was always stoic, but while laughing, he looked younger. I didn't know exactly how old he was, maybe something between 30 or 32. My vision was blurry, but I could see the lines on his face and around his mouth, they didn't make him old, they made him mature. The stubble on his face and the ruffled hair. Hair so pale.

Ivan wasn't a bad person, he was peculiar.

He laughed and his tears were falling with. He hid mysteries.

"Are you ok?" My question wasn't meant as to see him physically, but for the tears. He certainly needed help or else why would someone spend most of their time glancing at the frozen stream while stuffing himself with the poison named Vodka?

I never wanted to touch him again, never wanted to feel his grab around my skinny wrist, but I couldn't fathom his condition. I slowly reached over, and poked his arm. He was a strong man indeed as the muscles under his clothes were worked on. He faced me with an exhausted face and sighed. He cocked an eyebrow and motioned his head.

"What is wrong?" I attempted to calm him, he was always calm than I felt. I couldn't look him eye to eye, I couldn't look anybody eye in eye, because of my rare red eyes. Sometimes, I couldn't detect his eye colour, he had blue, and I saw purple.

"Are you staying.. here?" Ivan asked non chalantly. His existence smelled like vodka, I hated it, but his question shocked me the most.

"I have to, I mean I have no place to go, " I answered honestly, unaware of the fact that he wasn't asking about staying here because I had no place, but stay there as his accompany. His companion.

...

Since I've already completed this story in my Wattpad account, I think I will update more often.

I hope you like it!

leave your ideas about this story in reviews.


	3. Три

My first days were only a set of confusion, I couldn't understand him. He was always caught in a mood swing, yet he drank a lot. He was barely sober, still he never harmed me. Sometimes he would just ask me the same question over and over, I didn't know why.

"What are you doing?" That was his only question, he'd ask me. Maybe he was pointing at my dull life, exactly! What was I doing with my life? I couldn't do anything. I was tied inside that house.

"I don't know." And with that, he shook his head and nodded. He was a combination of sympathy and arrogance. He was so difficult to read. Sometimes, when I was reading a book or just sat there, I caught him look at me through those pale lashes. And when I stared at him, he never looked at my direction, he knew I was staring but never minded.

"Teach me." I wanted to learn Russian, in order to match to them and feel as a part of the civilized society, I had to learn the language. I had to 'do' something with my life. Ivan kept on asking, it was very annoying at some points, as if he wanted to throw me out of his house because I bored him, yet he never acted hostile.

"Start speaking Russian with me." I might've sounded needy; I was in need of help. I needed his assist in order to know his language. I couldn't stay there forever in a small house with a man who barely spoke.

"You... understand... small." He started. I understood very little but that didn't stop me from trying more and more. I had to reach to the perfect level, where I could leave him.

"You... strange." I said one day when he was drinking vodka and staring at me. I had started with the basic vocabularies and knew that my accent wasn't very good.

He smiled and nodded. He understood but refused to reply. Sometimes, I just left the house till the dark hours of night, he'd come out and guided me the way back.

I noticed that my hair had grown long, my beard, too. I needed to term myself, no matter where I was.

"Do you have a scissor?" I asked one day. He held his chin with his hand and pouted his lips and nodded. He handed me the scissor and waited at the frame of the door.

"Let me help you." He said. I was honestly happy that he would cut my hair; I was hopeless with cutting my own hair. He started to walk around me while I was sitting on the chair, he touched a few strands and narrowed his eyes.

"How... short?" Came his words in Russian.

He was touching my hair, and sometimes he pulled all of the hair aside, my bangs and the rest. He nodded.

"Нет... not short." He said. I looked at him; he glanced at my eyes again before working his way to the strands of white hair. He cut my hair in an order; he termed it, but didn't reduce from its length. By that time, my hair was a bit longer than neck length, I could tie it.

He ruffled my head after finishing and smiled. It was the closest we had got it 3 weeks. He gave a razor and left the toilet. I shaved my face and felt so fresh. Only God knew how happy I was with the softness of my skin.

Two nights later, when he was out from showering, I noticed then that he had locks and curls at the end of his hair. And surprisingly, he wasn't wearing a turtle neck. I looked at him in wonder, was he fine with it exposed? He nearly broke my hand when I tried to touch it, now he was showing to me.

Three nights after, suddenly he dropped a book in front of me. I was shocked and tried to breathe slowly. It was a heavy book with a thick cover. It was rather beautiful but old. I looked at him quizzically and he pointed with his chin to open it.

"Russische Märchen." He said. I was never really fond of reading fairy tales but Ivan meant that those stories could culturally and lingually help me. So from then on, I was reading the heavy, thick book. Sometimes, he made me read them out loud and told me to underline the words I didn't know. I stuttered. He corrected with a stern voice. Sometimes he sat there on his place, sometimes gazed around, sometimes stood behind me and muttered the correct form.

My favourite story was:' The beautiful Wasilisa'. I don't know why, but I liked it the most. I had read so many times, day and night that I had memorized it. Ivan was sick of Wasilisa and wanted me to move on. It was ironic to even bore a person like him.

One week passed and I was still reading the book. I finished the first half in one week. My first story was rather longer than the rest. Its name was: 'The grey wolf and the prince'. I barely understood a word.

Ivan helped me with writing, too. He taught me how to write, grammatically. I thought German had the most difficult structure until I faced Russian.

He chuckled when I sighed or groaned in frustration. He patted my head and shoulder when I frowned. Through the week, I noticed that Ivan wasn't asking his 'what are you doing' question anymore, and had grown closer to me. For that I was thankful. He chatted a lot but never about a serious subject. He was still on the other side of friendship, the farther distance.

One day, when it was snowing, he came close to me and threw an apple. I could swear that I had forgotten the taste since war never allowed me to taste it again. It was fresh and juicy. I looked at him, he nodded. I ate the fruit and felt like a blessed human.

"You are going... buying... яблоко." My worst dream came true, encountering with real Russians. Ivan said that I wasn't that obvious; I could use that Russian attitude and pretend that I was from another region and held a different accent. So I was going to buy apples, with him.


	4. Vier: Vergiss nicht

"How many money do you want for a sack of apple?" I asked awkwardly. The man looked at me for a while and then shook his head. I handed him the required money and fled away.

"It is how much, not how many." Ivan corrected.

Second week started. I was about to finish the 'Russian Fairy tales', when Ivan came with yet another thick, Russian literature piece. I didn't know what the deal was with him by dropping everything in front me other than just handing it. The book had the same cover and the same name, but it was the second volume.

"Where do you find them?" I asked.

He explained that the local people brought them and exchanged them with food, cigarettes and clothes.

As I was eating an apple, this fact hit me that Russia is in middle of winter, so how come apples are here?

Again, Ivan said that the fruits are transported from the warmer regions of the union. For example: from Tajikistan or Uzbekistan.

And, told me that they were more expensive than the Russian products.

"But why do you buy?" When they could just wait for the other season to come, why should they waste a lot of money on the fruits.

"It is for you."

His answer was so blunt that I couldn't argue anymore. Ivan spent so much money on me, on the war. God bless his soul. I had to study harder to get independent from him. Although he never complained, I wanted to help myself. I wasn't hurt, disabled. I could work; even my gashes and cuts from weeks ago were healed.

One day when we were walking down the town, a young lady stopped steps away from me, and then I noticed that Ivan was nowhere besides me. I turned around and saw them speak to each other. They seemed very close; I assumed they were having an affair, although I had never seen her before. Later that day, as we were back to home, I asked him about the blond woman he had encountered. He looked at me with an innocent childlike expression, before saying that the woman was his sister. Actually, his elder sister who looked younger than him.

One thing was clear between them that they both were freakishly tall. Katyusha, his sister was nearly as tall as I was and Ivan, he was towering.

With everyday studying and getting better with the language, Ivan decided that we could walk more in the town, since it wasn't obvious anymore that I was a foreigner; a German former Nazi private, foreigner.

I wondered why he helped me so much. He helped me a lot, most of the times. Always!

One day, when the sun was shining upon us, I noticed Katyusha striding towards us. She smiled at us politely and pulled Ivan by his arm.

"Who is he?" She asked in Russian, which I understood. I hated eavesdropping, even though she was speaking right in front of my face, I still couldn't accept that she didn't know that I could understand her, and she might start with more private conversations.

Ivan casted a glance at me and I drove my eyes away from him, I had been staring. With the sun shining upon us, his hair looked similar to mine, but not exactly. The soft curls on his hair were dancing in the rhythmic melody of the icy wind. Katyusha laughed and punched her brother on his shoulder. Again, Ivan caught me staring. I didn't know if I was staring at him or his sister. But my eyes never left them.

Ivan was uncomfortable maybe; I did sense his stiff reaction.

"He is very young! How old is he? Is he a foreigner, hopefully not a German or else he won't last long. Why is he always tagging along with you?" Katyusha never stopped her questions. Ivan's skin was blushing, I saw his neck. I wondered how his face would look like.

"He speaks Russian." Ivan cleared his throat and waved towards me. I walked ahead and started to speak in their mother tongue. She was surprised by my skill, yet remarked later that my accent was funny. She also told me that I spoke like Polish people. That relieved my nerves and Ivan appeared to understand my sighs, too.

I thought why she wasn't coming with us to her brother's house. They seemed very close and friendly. Katyusha kissed him once on the street. Why weren't they together on the first place? I was in no place to wonder. I was a guest and their family was none of my business. I was there to learn their language and escape once I was perfectly skilled.

One night, Ivan threw a packet in front my 'Russische Märchen', as always. It was a pocket designed for poker cards. I knew where this was going, so I closed my book and threw it back at him. We started the game.

"What if I win?" Ivan asked in Russian. If he won, since I didn't know him, I couldn't guess.

"Don't know. Maybe I'll pay." He nodded. He was mixing the cards and playing with them. He was a pro in the game. I was a noob, it was my first time playing poker.

"You won." He faked a cheer. He won for the fourth time. He smiled. Sometimes, he appeared different. He wasn't frowning nor drinking. Just a simple form of him, that made him look younger and innocent. He was in his 30s, yet looked like a person on their 20s.

"I won." He repeated and played for the fifth time. It was my last chance to avoid his punishment, yet I lost, he had won the hands.

He smirked.

"What do you want now?" I asked.

"I want you to stay here, longer." I wasn't sure what he meant, I assumed having a helper and maid to clean his house was good. So I accepted his offer, request and stayed with him.

Every morning in the market, we met Katyusha with colourful lipsticks. I liked her red lipstick, because it stood out with her skin.

At some points, I could admit I liked his sister. I had a crush on her. She was curvy, tall and smart. A woman to fall in love with- was the first thing that came to my mind, but Ivan was a barrier between us. I never met her alone, so I was always tried to stop my sexual attraction.

Ivan liked to drink when it was snowing. He always went to the same spot and drank. I was sort of worried for him, because he was drinking like a crazy man.

One day, as it was getting dark, Ivan didn't come. I started to search for him all around. Eventually, I found him. He was crying. He was holding a shard of glass in his palm and blood was dripping from his hand. I ran to him and snatched the glass away.

"What are you doing?" Now, I was the one who asked the haunting question.

He never stopped crying. I sat beside him and could feel my feet freeze. It was snowing, and night.

He told me that his wife was killed on the same spot, and the same day. I was shocked. So all this drinking and abnormal behaviour was because of his wife. I could feel his pain. I had lost a brother, although brother and wife aren't the same people, but the pain is equal. I hesitantly slung an arm around his shaking shoulders and he sat up. Suddenly, he hugged me and cried. I hugged him, too, because it was the least I could offer.

"It is going to be alright." I cooed in his ear, while he buried his head in the neckline of my jacket. He held me tight. I never let him go.

I thank you guys a lot for reading this.

A special "Thank you" goes to the reader who suggested me to write about Ivan's and Gilbert's past.

Dear reader, I considered your idea and I edited some part of the fanfic. As the story goes on, you'll find out more about each of the character's back story.

I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as well.

*


	5. Пять

The next day when I met Katyusha at the market while shopping, that was the first time I actually faced her personally. Not to forget, she was a worker in a shop. It was very awkward to talk to her in person, without Ivan gawking between our conversations.

I told her about her brother's condition and the fact that Ivan had tried to commit suicide more than once in the time I had spent with him. Katyusha went silent, her eyes grew large and she held her mouth. She leant on a board and stared at her shoes. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about Ivan, but it was too late. So I waited till she gathered herself and faced me.

"When did he try recently?" She asked with a narrowed eye. Again, I retold the story and how I found him. And what he told me.

"He said his wife died there."

Katyusha bit her lips and sighed. I can't really detect what her sigh meant. Was it pain, exhaustion, sympathy? Maybe none. When she packed the potatoes for me, she told me that my language had gotten better. I was very flattered; I worked hard all day long to master Russian.

Katyusha stopped me before I could leave.

"Gilbert, I know Ivan is strange, but he really cares about you if you've noticed. He never lets someone stay with him for longer than 2 days, it is already the end of the first month. I wanted to say: thank you for being there. You've saved him." I just stared at her and nodded my head. Katyusha was a nice lady, a woman of life, but not the woman I could have. I was very happy when I heard that Ivan cared for me. That was the nicest comment.

Later that day, when I met Ivan again, he wasn't drinking. Instead he was breaking woods for fire. I have to admit, he was stronger than I had thought of him. Normally he wore an over-sized pullover, but that day, his turtle neck was tight around his body and hugged every curve. He was muscular.

I looked at him from the distance I was walking. He was too busy with the pieces woods to notice my approach.

"Hey, need help?" I asked him while removing my jacket and scarf. I took the other axe and came back. He looked at me with a blank expression and said nothing, which was again a common thing for him. I started with heavy strikes to break the wood at once. Ivan stopped for a moment and studied me from head to toe. He shook his head and told me stop, because I was doing it the wrong way.

He taught me to put the woods vertically and to match my strikes in the middle, that way I didn't need to use too much energy. But, in my way, all Germans cut wood, and it worked fine for all of us, yet, the way Ivan told was much easier.

After finishing, we gathered the wood and went to the house, since dark clouds had started to appear. Ivan went to the toilet and washed his face. When he came back, I felt a difference in him. He looked somehow younger, he had shaved. He still looked intimidating. I smiled at him and he shrugged it, without interest.

To be honest, at least I was interested in him, and his mysterious life. I was very curious.

"Ivan, what was your job?" I asked one day.

"I was a private in battle, until my wife died and I left the army." It answered my confusions and predictions all together. All those muscles and craft could only be thanks to the hard training in the army.

Days after days, he brought new books and I read them. He helped with the translation, too. I learned that he was stationed in a place near the German troops so that was how he had learned the language, fluently.

One day when we were out for fishing, something out of the ordinary happened. At first he dug a hole in the thick ice and we began with fishing. He told me that at this time, fishes were rare to catch and we had to wait a lot.

I was fine with it.

"Gilbert, how old are you?" I yawned and looked at him. I didn't know how old I was exactly.

"Around 20 to 21."

He nodded and faced the water again. He pulled a bottle of vodka out of his bag and I knew where we were going end. Dead or drunk.

"Try this." But I refused. I didn't like the taste or the smell, if I could try one thing; it was stopping him from drinking. He took a sip and put the cap back.

I felt uneasy. Ivan could get crazy while drinking.

As the time passed, I noticed that he was glancing at me once in a while, and back at the water. He wasn't even shy to drift his eyes off when our eyes met. He was already intoxicated by vodka, and for a moment I thought he was going to throw himself out of the boat and into the freezing water.

"I want to know about you." I said to reduce my anxiousness. He thought for a moment and accepted, because he wanted to do the same.

"Do you have a wife?" It was the first question he asked. I sighed and told him everything.

I had a fiancée when I was 17, I loved her so much. She came from Hungary and we were so in love with each other. But then, when the time called for me to join the army, we never met again. 6 months later after my first battle, a news came to me she had died in a bomb attack. That was it. I never saw her or her family again. Elizabeta was dead.

He nodded again. He looked at the sun which was hidden behind clouds.

"What did she look like?" He asked after a moment.

If I were honest, I could've never described Elizabeta and her beauty in words, because I wasn't able to tell him how she made me feel, how important she was, or how she made me wake up everyday to live.

"She was unique. She made me feel worthy of this life. But if you mean what she physically looked like: she had green eyes, wavy brown hair and tanned skin. I knew her since my childhood. She wasn't only my fiancee, but my best friend, too."

"My wife had black hair, pale skin and chocolate brown eyes. I lost my her, too. We were going to have a child, she was pregnant." I could sense the pain in his voice. It must've been hard for him.

I felt empathic.

"How old are you, Ivan?" He paused and pulled the string. The first fish was caught.

"I am 30." He said simply. I didn't know what caused me to smile at that answer, but I smiled at him. Suddenly, I felt different. We shared our past life story. We talked about our dead wives, and then I felt an extraordinary urge, but I hid it at first because I wasn't sure if he wanted it or not.

**I've found a nice reader in Wattpad, who reads and helps me correct my fanfiction. She corrects my spelling mistakes and grammar too.**

**In addition to that, I have edited the previous chapters too, but not too much to change the plot.**

**I hope you like this chapter.**

**Thank you guys for reading.**

**Thank you, new reviewer.**


	6. Sechs

I talked to him, a lot. He did, too. We were friends now, which was great. At least now he wasn't acting so intimidating; or maybe I knew him better, now. He was a very exquisite person. I was paying attention to all of his actions. Slowly - I don't know when exactly - He became my idol. As much as I was interested in him, I never tried to say it with words.

It was already weird enough for two men to live together like that. People's mouths were never controllable and I knew that there were already rumours of scandal. I knew better than that. The world we were living in was ill! People were filled with idiocy of their closed minds.

But who was I to declare all of those thoughts? My own Reich was a cause. And it wasn't me who liked men in that _way_.

"What are you thinking about?" Ivan asked.

I looked at him; that bright smile that always curved his lips in the most interesting way lingered on its place. It was rare. Even a smile could bring a huge difference on his dull face.

"About my awesomeness." I joked, I wanted him to smile. Lately, my only goal was to make him laugh or smile.

"How?" He cocked an eyebrow and rubbed his stubbled chin. He had the palest facial hair.

"I am speaking Russian!" I cried.

He smiled once again, but his expression darkened. I didn't say anything.

"Gilbert, uh... Let's go take a walk." He jumped out of his place and took his coat. It was night time and the Siberian winds blew.

"Your scarf." I mentioned while we were stepping out. He didn't use his scarf anymore at home; at least around me. I memorized his scars. They stretched down to his neckline and further, apparently. I never dared to touch it. I wanted to ignore it at once and to stop staring. Eventually, I got used to it, and didn't attempt to touch it. Just like everything else; once you are used to something, you lose your curiosity towards it.

He looked at me and wrapped his neck with his significant white scarf.

"Come." He locked the door behind us. Unlike my predictions, there was no wind. No rain. No snow. Everything was still. Still and quiet as the snow under our feet.

"Follow me." He said.

I didn't know what could run in his head. I was only walking, because I was walking with him.

"It is cold. Right?"

He didn't answer. I hated being ignored. We stopped speaking and I began to slow down my strides. I was humming a rhythm and enjoyed the crackling sound of the hardened ice under my feet. Once I looked around, Ivan wasn't there.

"Ivan?" I asked slowly. No answer.

"Ivan! Where are you?" I shouted in Russian.

The night was bright yet frightening for a man to stay in middle of a forest full of predators.

"Help! Jeman-" as I wanted to yell for help, a pair of hands shut my mouth. It was Ivan. I knew exactly how his hands felt once they touched my skin. I knew how they looked, how they felt and their anatomies.

He let go of my mouth and pulled me deeper into the forest. The night was so beautiful and full of stars. I stopped once again and stared at the sparkling roof above us with an ajar mouth.

"Gilbert." I blinked slowly before replying.

"Ivan?" I said.

"Come here."

I accepted and went besides him.

He turned his head towards the sky. I saw the reflection of whatever he was looking at. At first there were the stars, but then, there was me. I saw the reflection of a white haired man with palest skin. He was looking at me.

I didn't say a word. I wanted the moment to be saved, or at least not ruined by me.

"Give me your hand."

I broke my eyes from his. I clenched my hands into fists and opened them. They were cold. Ivan didn't give me the time to stretch them towards him, he took them himself. His strong hands were holding mine so hesitantly.

"What is this?" He asked, pointing at the stitched scars on the back of my hand.

I wasn't sure to share that part of my story with him.

"Ludwig and I were playing, when I fell and... "

"You don't have to lie." He said so softly. He shut me up.

I was left wordless and flustered. I tilted me head upwards to face the sky.

I glanced at him once in a while. The marks on his pale neck attracted my attention more than ever. I wanted to touch it!

I sat with my face turned towards him and pulled my hand out of his grab. He innocently looked at me. I slowly reached my hand towards his neck, but instead, I changed my direction and slightly touched his jaw. My fingers trailed across his face. He was motionless like always, but his eyes were burning me.

Maybe not. As I said, I was never able to read his expression.

He took my hand again. I was ready to have a broken finger or a wrist injury, but he just held it before shoving it inside his jacket. My fingers were touching his pullover under his jacket. He led my hand upper to his neck line. I pulled my hand away. I was numb. I wasn't ready for it. I still feared touching him.

"Let's go back." He stood up. From behind, he resembled Ludwig, a lot. Suddenly, I missed Ludwig more than ever.

One day when I was back from a walk down the town, I found him in the house.

Ivan was already sitting at the table with his usual poison in his hand, when he caught my sight.

"Gilbert, I want to ask a question." Ivan spoke.

I sat on the chair and nodded my head.

"Do all Germans hate homosexuals?"

"I don't know. Do all Russians hate Germans?" before thinking, I directed my question towards him.

"I don't know." He replied with a cold, sigh like tone.

I went to the bathroom. I had to shave my white stubbles; we were going to meet Katyusha.

...

The next day, we went with Katyusha to buy some clothes. Not in the local market, but to a neighbour town. Ivan said I needed more warm clothes because my current ones weren't enough.

"Gilbert, you don't look very well. Is everything ok?" Katyusha asked. I shook my head and quirked a smile.

But I wanted to say:' _it is your brother. He has been acting weird lately. I am afraid of him. I am very confused...'_

We reached the market. It was loud and people from many nationalities could be seen. The meaning Soviet Union was cleared before my eyes. There were goods that were not easy to find in Europe. Ivan walked ahead of us and we followed him. Katyusha was cheerful. I was in the type of situation, that I couldn't describe it. That feeling when multiple thoughts hunt one at once. Ivan tapped on my shoulder and I looked at him.

"Come with me. There are clothes, there." He pointed at a small shop.

When we reached the shop, I exchanged a glance with Ivan and nodded my head.

"Preveyet." I said, feeling a little tense for speaking Russian with a man other than Ivan.

Ivan shoved a knee length, black coat made out of wool towards me. I didn't have my own money and from the way the coat appeared, I couldn't buy it.

"Ivan lets go somewhere else." I said quietly.

Ivan took a glance and ignored me. I was getting tired of him ignoring me constantly. He bought the coat.

"I can't accept it." I insisted. Without talking to me, he gave the package to Katyusha who happily took it for me.

"Katyusha, I am very appreciative of his kindness, but I can't accept this fancy coat. I even don't have the money to pay back..."

"It is ok." She interrupted me and put a hand on my tensed arm. It was the first time she was touching me. I wanted to hold her hand, but I saw a pair of violet tinted eyes held directly at me. _Ivan_. I dropped my eyes to the ground. It was the least I could do.

I liked Katyusha! Ivan was protective. I liked Ivan, too. But he was an obstacle between me and Katyusha.I liked her. Ever since Elizabeta, I never had someone to like. Now, my fortune had turned it's face towards me, in form of Katyusha. I never could compare Katyusha with Elizabeta, because that Hungarian woman was my first love! I didn't know why I felt so attached to the Russian. She was older than me. Yet, her beautiful smile never got altered by her age.

"Katyusha, we are going now. Take care." Ivan took the package from his sister and we went. My mind was still cloudy.

"Gilbert, I have to tell you something." Ivan confessed.

" I think," he started. " You think what?" I mumbled. I thought it was about my obvious behavior around his sister.

"Nothing."

Ivan stopped talking to me once again, other than the time when he taught me Russian.

I was ready to leave his house.

**HEYA! How have you guys been doing? I hope you like my story so far. Sorry for the late, unscheduled updates. My correcteur just finished the whole thing and I have to revise 19 chapters!**

**To answer your question, unfortunately Belarus isn't going to appear in this fanfiction. Although, if you are interested in reading a fanfic about Belarus; I have some surprises for you.**

**I have written a half completed ff about Swissy and Liechty that is now on hiatus, and my gorl Natalia is one of the main characters!**

**I have writerblocks for at the moment. After finishing this fanfic and "Before the moon comes out", I will rewrite it and post it here.**

**_Until next chapter, byeooooooo._**

thanks for the reviews.


	7. семь

Ivan stared at me, a lot. I honestly didn't know what to do. Finally, when I finished the third 'Russian Fairy-tale' book, I was ready to leave him. The reason was obvious and Ivan might have sensed it, too. I was disguised by my false passport. And of course I never achieved that perfect Russian accent, in which one can roll that 'r'. But, I was ready to go anyways. Ivan had helped me a lot, he still did, but I no longer could hold him back because he spent so much money and time on me, while I had nothing to return instead. I wasn't used to that much kindness. I had lived in harsher situations, where nobody cared for me.

"Ivan, I want to tell you something."

He narrowed his eyes and listened.

"Uh... I have been thinking about this since two weeks ago. I think I am ready to go..." He didn't answer right away. He seemed so focused and serious. After a few moments, his lips curved in a smiling form. He looked at me.

"Of course." That was his reply. I was waiting for something else. To be frank, it even hurt to know that it didn't matter to him if I was there or not. What I didn't notice at that time was his trembling hands. I was so lost. I was self-centred.

"And I like your sister." I confessed. Ivan looked at me innocently.

"I knew it." He replied with a sigh.

"If you knew, why are you trying to keep me away from her?" Maybe I felt so confident to ask him something like that.

He walked close to me. He stood before me and took my hand. I couldn't comprehend his actions. I wanted to ask Katyusha about that.

"Gilbert, why are you so clueless?" I gulped. He was squeezing my hand.

"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly.

"Can't you feel anything?" He asked while running his free hand over my leg. His touch was gentle, it felt good. It felt safe, and warm.

"I... I don't know..."

Ivan leaned near me and looked me in the eyes. His hand started to roam all over my body. Suddenly everything made sense. The reason why he didn't let me get close to Katyusha, why he asked me to stay, why he spent money and everything!

He liked me!

And I hadn't noticed it for so long. Now that I did know, I still felt no difference. He was the same Ivan, the man who had saved me from freezing. I owed him my life. I liked him, but I wasn't sure if my affection was same.

"Ivan" I cleared my throat and moved backward to bring a space between us. He looked disappointed.

"You know it is not possible for um... two men to have 'that' kind of relationship. Right?" I asked quietly.

He licked his lips.

"I know." -Was his cold answer. "But I don't care." He added. He moved closer and I had nowhere to go. I was pinned at the wall.

"Wait!" I cried. Ivan clicked his tongue and let me go. He walked away from me and took a bottle of vodka and quaffed it.

I was motionless and too startled to move. I wanted him to stop drinking. The world wasn't over. He was going to kill himself for just a pathetic reason.

"Ivan stop!" I spontaneously shouted. He tilted his head towards my direction.

"Stop being such a coward! You can't drink everything away! You can't bring your wife back to life by killing yourself! You can't kill yourself in front me." I was sobbing without noticing it. I was crying for the first time in three years. After Elizabeta died, I hadn't cried until now.

Ivan's eyes grew big.

"I can't let you die, you saved me. I can't let you die." I hid my face between my hands. Moments later, I felt a pair of arm around my shoulder. I dragged my head up and saw Ivan.

"I am sorry." I mumbled. I was too overwhelmed by everything. From his confession to my very own frustration and uncertainty, I was confused.

"Look at me."

I did. He hugged me and then kissed me. I let myself melt with that one short yet heart filled kiss. I forgot how Ludwig had died, how Elizabeta died or how my parents died. I remembered them all, but not the tragic way of their death. Ivan was always warm. His lips were warm. I liked that about him.

"Gilbert, stay." Ivan said while he pulled back. He sounded so gentle. He let his finger fingertips trace my face. I held them with my own hand and kissed the palm of his hand. It felt strange and new.

"Gilbert... stay with me." He said once again. I didn't answer. I hadn't made up my mind yet, so I sat quiet. That night was the craziest night of my life.

On the next day and the next week, we grew closer. Ivan was mostly the one who took the first act. He reached over and played with my hair or touched me. I was never courageous enough. I guess, at some unknown points, I realised that I was addicted to his touches. To his gentle manner. As much as I stood against myself, sometimes I just wanted to spend my time with him; by touching and kissing him. He was addictive. I was the shy one, I wanted a lot, but did nothing!

"Gilbert, so are you happy now?" Katyusha asked one day while I was helping her with unpacking some goods.

"How?" I straightened me back.

"Ivan told me about you..." she whispered the last part. I was embarrassed but she just smiled.

"I knew it. I know my brother; I told you he liked you." She patted my back.

"I like him more than he does." I muttered the words before turning back towards my own destination. Ivan was a new chapter in my life.

Ivan became my new family. I never thought life could change so much at once.

But I still needed to move forward.

**_School has entered the chat._**

**_I am going to be super busy, but I will update._**

**I thank you for reading my ff. **

Thank you Ilich for the new review. I am happy that you like my writting style.


	8. Acht

Ivan was always by my side. He cared a lot. He taught me everything. Somehow, in a strange way, we grew closer; more intimate to each other, freer and less tensed. I didn't fear him anymore. I wasn't afraid of occasional touches, or the skin-ship moments we shared briefly with each other before going any further.

Ivan was always the first to begin everything.

Katyusha giggled every time she saw us walking together down to the town. She was the only person who knew about our relationship, and I was glad that nobody else knew. Sometimes, when we walked our way out of the forest, Ivan snaked his hand in mine and held it. The heat from his body always warmed my cold, icy hands. I was never used to the Siberian winters, specially walking in knee length snow.

It took me a while until I slowly started to forget all of my true intentions, whatever I had in mind; starting with my escape till now.

I hated to get attached to anyone. I promised to not get attached to someone after Ludwig died, but here I was, falling deeper than ever for a Russian man.

Once in a while, Ivan would come close to me and wrap his arms around my waist while snuggling his face in my neck. I liked how it made me feel.

I was reading yet another Russian book, when Ivan pulled the book out of my hand.

"Was?" I barked annoyingly in German.

Ivan smirked and stood. He was definitely strange. I don't know if it was me who started the kiss or Ivan. Either way, the kissing was totally horrible due to lack of experience. He knew better how to move, to take breaths, as for me, it was my first kiss.

"Gilbert, take a breath." Ivan giggled as he pulled away and wiped his mouth. It was disappointing. Ivan made me feel a new train of sensations. The feelings that I couldn't give a name to them. Whenever Ivan touched me, I wanted more. Just like now, I was frustrated, because I wanted more. I needed more from him. I couldn't explain why or how, I just wanted him.

I shot out of my place and pulled him by his arm towards his bedroom. I understood what I was doing and what it meant. I didn't even turn to see Ivan.

Once we were inside, I looked around to make sure that the curtains were down, although it was night time, I was still paranoid.

I pulled Ivan in and slammed him against wall while holding him by his shoulders. I stared at his rosy, parted lips and up to his eyes that were wondering. I circled my arms around his neck and touched his lips with mine. At first he didn't move, so I impatiently kissed him. He slid his hand under my pullover. I stumbled back, and he let me fall back on his bed.

"Ivan, let me help you." I cooed.

The night was so still that even a single whisper was loud enough to be heard. And, I wanted to be as quiet as possible.

"With what?" He took off his own turtleneck pullover, revealing his scars. A long sleeved shirt covering his chest.

"I don't know, maybe I need your help more than you do."

With that, he looked at me for a moment before he lay down beside me.

"Ivan, you understood what I said, right?"

"I understand, but, I am not sure if it well end up good. You are so young, Gilbert. It may hurt, have you done it before? No. Well, I assume it may hurt." Ivan patted my cheek and played with my hair.

"I am ready for everything, and I am sure it will end up well. I am with you. Even if it is painful, I want to feel it with you. I haven't felt like this before, never. Let me feel everything with you." I traced my fingers over his lips as I was speaking.

He rolled over and kissed me very gently. I took my clothes off one by one. My skin was exposed completely, all for him, exposing my scars from months ago, and years ago, that I had gained in battlefields.

He undressed himself and crawled back on top of me. I was breathing very fast. My voice was bubbly and melded with a heaviness I couldn't describe. Every newspot he touched was hot and made me tense up. I was holding my mouth with my hand. The only thing that filled the room with sound were the heavy breath and panting that escaped from our mouths.

"Gilbert, I..."

"It is ok." I assured him with a kiss. Those soft lips were never getting boring.

"I don't know how it works. I've never done it with a man. It is different." He admitted.

"I haven't even done it with a woman."

We both snorted at my lame excuse.

"Just take deep breaths."

I did what he said.

He pushed himself inside. It was burning. It hurt a lot. He began pumping. I bit my lip hard to hide the moans. It hurt so bad but felt so right. Every strike shook my whole body. He was sweating. I was soaked with our sweat. He hit a spot that made me burst into moaning. After a few more pumps, I came. Soon after me he pulled out and came. We were breathing fast. We sat beside each other although my body hurt. I tried to stand but Ivan stopped me.

"Does it hurt?" He wiped my sweaty hair away.

"Very much. But, it was magical. Especially, when you found the spot. I guess you are more awesome with these things." I chuckled. For the first time after a long while, I felt happy. But as much as I was happy, I feared the future, too.

"I will get some cream for you from Katyusha." Ivan said.

"What? No, no! What if she finds out?"

"It is normal. Lovers do these things, right?"

"But we are... men."

"Gilbert, forget about that. Look at us, don't you feel happy? I see you are happy. Let's keep it this way."

After a moment of silence, Ivan finally broke the bubble and turned his face towards me, cupped my sweaty face and kissed my forehead.

"I.. I love you. _This_ is important than _that_." He gasped.

I was welcomed again to braces of love .

**_Woops! A mature chapter. I sorta wanted to post this chapter asap, because it is kinda not my style of writing and I am not good at reflecting those intimate feelings very well. so yeah, I basically wanted to get rid of it._**

**_As always, I thank you guys for reading._**

**_thanks, Reader Chan( I hope it is correct) and Ilich for your nice reviews._**

**_from now on, the storyline will change and you'll notice some differences._**

**_a small spoiler, be prepared for alot of plot twists._**

**_until next week..._**

**_servus._**

**_12.08.19_**


	9. девять

I was sure that Ivan loved me more than I actually loved him. He gave me love. He gave me confidence and happiness that I had lost on the battle field. He made sure I was happy while I was with him. Believe it or not, I let him touch the core of my existence, my feelings and my wholesomeness. I couldn't imagine my life without him, because he gave me a new life. I had no reason to return to my previous life; the life without Ivan. Sure, I had my good moments, but Ivan was the source of all happiness. Whether he was sad, angry, enraged, joyful, lovely, and happy, I loved him all the same! Ivan didn't just made love to me, he also made me feel loved again, wanted, and worthy of life.

Ivan was very playful in his own strange way. He had some weird habits I hadn't discovered until I started dating him. For example, he liked to slap my butt. Or, he liked me to blow him. I asked him about it, all he said was: "It is good."

I didn't care anymore. Last time I wanted to leave him was in winter, now the spring was giving a new life to everything. To me, too. Even Katyusha looked livelier in spring. Her beautiful lips, her sparkly blue eyes, her short hair, and her intelligent figure took a new colour. I knew Katyusha for five months now. We became friends, after she found out about Ivan and me. She was so happy that her brother was moving on. She was the most genuine woman I had ever met. She was so strikingly honest and simple. Those were the qualities that attracted me the most.

Ivan stopped drinking like an animal; Katyusha said it was because of me. Ivan stopped committing suicide, Katyusha praised me. If Ivan did anything positive, I was the one to get appreciated by Katyusha. She didn't know how much I adored her. I adored Ivan. I loved Ivan. I had found a family. There was no need to run more, to escape the reality like I once was used to.

Apparently, I wasn't aware of everything completely. For example the reason behind the siblings seldom meetings before I joined their small group.

Katyusha had an illegitimate boy.

I overheard that accidently. No, I eavesdropped, because Ivan and Katyusha were keeping that hidden from me. Katyusha's son was returning from Kiev. The boy was 15 years old.

"What are you doing Gilbert?" Ivan asked quizzically. I snapped back and waved my hands. "Nothing." At the same time, Katyusha came out of the kitchen with the rosy curve of her lips. "Say, Gilbert, you heard something I guess? Well, I wanted to discuss this. I have a son, he is returning from Kiev. His father died. Sadly, I hadn't seen him since 8 years ago. Well, it isn't important. Raivis is going to come back."

Katyusha sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"Don't worry. He will be safe with us." Ivan assured her by hugging her. I was wondering whether Raivis was going to be as freakily tall as his uncle and mother.

After Katyusha left our house, Ivan slammed me against the wall and caged me between his arms.

He stared at me. I collapsed my lips against his.

I threw my arms around his neck.

"Not now." I stopped him. "Not now, I am sore from last night." He let go.

I kissed him once again, before grabbing my coat and went out. I walked through the forest and stopped before the lake. It wasn't frozen anymore. Sometimes, when that feeling of emptiness took over me, I went to look at that lake; the one that guided me to Ivan.

I still felt incomplete. I missed Ludwig. I missed Elizabeta. I hadn't spoken German for so long.

When I came back from my walk, Ivan wasn't at home. I cooked food and waited, but Ivan didn't appear. I looked around at the house and found a letter on the table. It was directed to Ivan Braginski. It was open.

After reading the letter, a whole world of grief, fear and anger took over me. Ivan was wanted back to the front. I burned the letter. I didn't care if he had read it or not. I wanted to destroy every hint of that loathed paper. I had lost enough. I had gone under enough pain. I wanted to be happy, yet this war ruined me. It ruined everything. I was born in the war, and was living in war! It was a curse! I couldn't escape it.

"Gilbert, have you seen my letter?"

"No"

Later that night, Ivan and I were about to sleep when he asked about his lost letter. I lied. I lied while I played with his golden hair, while I kissed him and let him spoon me. I snuggled at him.

"I know you saw it. I know you will hate me for this but I can't hide it from you." He said.

I kissed his mouth to quiet him. "I read it. Ivan, don't leave me. I - I can't stay without you." I looked at the blue of his eyes. I loved that colour; it was nothing like mine, nothing I could replace, because those blue orbs were the only things that looked at me with affection and love.

"I love you, I will always love you." Ivan cooed.

"Don't speak as if you will leave! Don't be so brutal to me. I can't..."

"Let us stay like this for tonight, don't let our last night be our last meeting. Imagine, we are always together. Imagine, I am with you."

But I didn't want an imagination. I wanted reality.

"I love you. Can I kiss you once again?" I asked Ivan.

"Yes. Kiss me."

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him passionately than ever.

"You are Gilbert Braginski, now. Don't forget that." He closed his tired eyes. I didn't talk any more, but made sure that I would remember the texture of his golden hair.

.

**_Thanks guys for reading my crappy fanfiction._**

**_thanks for the new reviews. you guys can always ask questions when you don't understand something._**

**_readerchan: Gilbert had a fiancee but he had never kissed her. I think, before meeting Gilbert, he was living with a very strict family._**

**_second week of the school is over and I am drowning in homeworks already._**

**servus-**

**17.08.19**


	10. Zehn

Ivan had received the letter a week ago. He put it on table for me to see it. On the next day, he left me all alone. He went to serve the front. Out of nowhere, he served in the front line, in which the chance of survival is only by one percent.

I cried for him. I asked why he was doing that to me, leaving me all alone. He said nothing and hugged me tightly. I buried my face in his chest. I felt sick. I wanted him to stay.

"Why did you make me fall in love with you?" I asked while crying. He was crying, too. He didn't admit it, but I felt how he hiccupped quietly.

He didn't answer. He left me alone.

"Gilbert Braginski" he gave me his name before leaving. I didn't know why.

Later that day, I met Katyusha, she was in a hurry.

"Raivis is coming. He will be here today."

"I can help." I said and bent down to carry the box. Katyusha gladly accepted it. She didn't speak about Ivan. Neither did I.

We walked along the path from the town. She had a small house with two bedrooms. She told me to put the box in the second room, which was apparently already owned by Raivis.

"I was 17 years old when I met his father. A blond, young man with grey eyes. Tall. Educated. He had a charming smile, he was very smart. He was very kind, very. He loved his family more than anyone else. I fell in love instantly." She was boiling water and chopped the vegetables needed for the soup.

"The next thing I know, we were meeting each other and he loved me back which led us to another stage of intimacy." She paused and sighed.

"What happened next?" I asked impatiently.

"He went back to Kiev. I didn't have my period; I knew that I was pregnant. Ivan was angry about everything, yet Ivan helped me a lot. Even when I was giving birth, he was the one who stayed by my side. Nobody else was willing to help me." She sighed and looked at me through her pale lashes.

"Gilbert, nobody wants to help a single pregnant woman with a bad reputation in a closed town. People called me names and told their children to stay away from me, because..." she let out a shaky sigh.

"because they thought, might still think, that I was a prostitude."

I felt very numb by the sudden confession, but I also was very furious. People always judge others without walking in their shoes or knowing a little about the background of a story.

Even if she was a prostitude, she was the most generous person in my eyes. And I didn't care what people thought about her.

For a moment she locked her eyes with mine and smiled as always.

"Ivan took the responsibility of us all. He brought food to our table, until the war began. We kept Raivis for five years with us. At the same time, Ivan got married. They needed more soldiers so Ivan joined the war. We wrote to each other. I told him about his wife, that she was pregnant. He was so happy. But, one day, his wife didn't come back, and when I searched around, I found her dead body near the stream. When Ivan came back, he was waiting for his baby. I told him everything and from that day on, he isolated himself and started drinking." She paused for a moment and stared at the farther distances, and looked at me for a moment.

"Until, you came, Gilbert." she smiled.

I was speechless. The moment was emotional.

"You sent Raivis to his father. Why?" I asked again. Katyusha sat down beside me.

"He came back but he didn't love me anymore. I wasn't in a good condition and didn't have enough money, so I sent Raivis with him."

For a moment, I wondered what type of man would reject a woman like Katyusha.

"He was a jerk." We said in unison and laughed.

"Katyusha, I want you to know that you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met. But why didn't you marry again?"

She stared at me and smiled, as if she knew I was going to ask something similar.

"After Edward, I didn't want to fall again, because they would leave me again. Because, I trust everyone easily and I get hurt. And I am simple and naive, Gilbert. And, now I am old, I think I can carry on like this." She shoke her head and giggled.

By the evening, Katyusha and I went to the town's centre. We were waiting for Raivis' arrival. We waited for an hour.

"There he is! Just like the picture I have! Gilbert, look he has grown up!" Katyusha pointed at a tall guy. I had no idea how to return the joyfulness. I missed Ivan, and looking at Raivis reminded me of him, because he had the same broad shoulders like his uncle.

"Mom" Raivis ran at Katyusha and hugged her so tight. She was crying from happiness. Raivis kissed her face and hugged her again.

It was getting late and although I didn't want to interrupt their moment, I had to remind them about it.

"Katyusha, it is getting late. Let's go home, now."

"Who is he?" Raivis stepped forward and eyed me from head to toe. He narrowed his eyes.

"He is a friend of Ivan's. Gilbert." Katyusha gestured with her hands.

"Can you go back home, with Raivis?" I asked. Raivis glared at me and I wanted to say that I knew his mother more than he did. But I stayed quiet and ignored his hostility.

"Yes. Thank you for today. Good night."

I went back to my own home. It was no home without Ivan, it felt so empty. I fell asleep as soon as I got to house.

"I wish to see you again." I said to myself.

Knock. Knock.

I woke up and rubbed my face.

Knock. Knock.

It was the door. I opened it and faced Raivis with a scowl on his face.

"Good morning to you, too." I said before he could start speaking. He shut his mouth.

He walked inside and sat at the table. I looked him with my sleepy eyes.

"So this is who my uncle lives with."

"He is gone to the front." I stated.

Raivis clenched his teeth and took a sharp breath.

I took his coat and hanged it on the wall. He had a turtle neck pullover on and his hair was slightly wavy. He looked so much like Ivan at the moment.

"Gilbert, I am not here for nothing, I want to know what your relationship with my mom is?"

"We are friends. Nothing more." I assured him.

"How can I trust you?" He arched an eyebrow.

"Because I say so, that I am her friend."

Raivis took his coat and pulled out a bundle out of it. He handed me the pocket before leaving.

"Take this." He said and left. I had no idea what was inside the **pocket**.

_Woooo boi this took long. well, my school is already treating me like a slave. sorry for the delayed updates._

_and again, thanks for the nice reviews, comments... whatever. I am very happy that you guys are enjoying this fanfic._

_Ravis has entered the chat!_

_dear reader, this chapter is about Katyusha's and Ivan's background..._

_lemme know if you don't understand something._

**_servus._**

**_1.09.2019_**


	11. одиннадцать

Two weeks went by. I missed Ivan every day, every night and every hour. Sometimes, when I forgot about him, those moments were the emptiest moments of my life. I didn't miss him physically, but rather emotionally. I was attached to him. I needed him. I was aching to see him again and feel his presence by my side; as someone who cared for me and I cared for him. Every day, by helping Katyusha, I saw Raivis. He glared at me with a certain glimpse of hatred I didn't know the reason for. Watching him every day made me miss Ivan even more. He appeared exactly like him when he wasn't furrowing his blond eyebrows. And, when he smiled, he looked like Katyusha.

Since Ivan was gone, I had to work to find food. I worked with Katyusha at her shop. The months of intense language studying paid off well while communicating with the Russians. Raivis thought I was from Poland until Katyusha told him the truth. Raivis always made sure to cast me a glare before leaving the shop earlier.

One day, Katyusha had to buy some goods. She left Raivis and me alone. It was quite awkward knowing he hated me so much. I stayed away from him. I didn't speak, because I knew he would've disdainfully shut me up.

"So you prefer men over chics."

It wasn't a question; it was a statement by Raivis. I shrugged my shoulder. His words were harsh but rather correct.

"Do you?" Raivis repeated. I sighed and clenched my jaw. "How about you, Raivis? Do you like guys?" I asked.

I turned my face to see his reaction. He narrowed his eyes and didn't answer.

"It is none of your business." He muttered.

"I take that as a yes." I said, walked outside and started with gathering the goods and bringing them inside one after the other. Raivis joined without a word.

When we were finished, the sky was already dark. Katyusha told us she wasn't going to return. I shut the door and locked it. Raivis stepped beside me and snatched the keys from my hand.

"You are locking it the wrong way." He mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"And yes, I prefer men." Raivis said, looked at me curtly and paced towards his house. It was sudden and honest.

On the next day, Raivis didn't come. I received a letter from Ivan. Katyusha made me read it loud, which was embarrassing. Ivan was fine. He told us about his station. He was in Ukraine.

"I know you miss him." Katyusha patted my shoulder gently. "I miss him, too." She said.

"Where is Raivis?" I asked.

"He didn't feel well. At least that is what he said. I don't believe him. Let him be."

"I hope he is fine."

"I think he is looking up to you. Please, Gilbert, if he ever ended up bonding to you, take care of him." I was shocked. Katyusha never lied, but this time it was the most unbelievable truth I had heard from her.

"I will try."

The weather was getting warmer and warmer. Days were longer and busier. Raivis helped us.

"What does Germany look like?" Raivis asked.

"It is just like here, but not so cold. People speak German." I said while unpacking some goods.

"I would like to visit there someday." Katyusha added. Raivis grimaced. "oh, you mean the country of mass murderers?" He asked.

"Not every German is a killer." I replied coolly.

"I am sure that after this war, we will be allowed to go to Germany." Katyusha stood up and put on her apron.

"Raivis and Gilbert, you guys are off for today. Go get some rest. Tomorrow is a busy day."

"Ivan is your first male partner?" Raivis asked before we left.

I nodded.

"Do you have someone?" I asked.

"No. Not yet." He said with a hushed voice. He was stoic, but he could get flustered easily.

"Don't worry. I didn't know I was into guys until I met your uncle." I confessed. He snorted.

"I even haven't had my first kiss." Raivis said after a moment. He pulled my arm and stopped me.

"Kiss me." He demanded and stared me into the eyes.

"No. I don't want to." I stepped away. He looked disappointed.

"Why not? Don't you need a male to relief your needs?!" Raivis certainly was more mature than he was supposed to be in his age. "My need isn't based on any random situation with a random guy." I said with a harsher voice.

"I am not a random guy, Gilbert."

"You are talking none sense."

"Ok. As you wish, but know this, if you needed someone, I am here." He said with opened arms.

"Raivis, don't make it difficult for us."

"I am just saying. Anyway, goodbye, Gilbert."

Raivis was making everything complicated. I still didn't know why he hated me so much and acted like that suddenly.

**_Ravis needs to chill a little._**

**_liebe anna, danke für deine Kommentare. und mach dir keinen Kopf wegen Rechtschreibfehler usw. ich bin selbst auch nicht sehr perfekt bei dieser Sprache, obwohl ich sie seit 2 Jahren lerne._**

**_und ja, jemand musste zugeben, dass Ravis groß ist und ich denke, das ist mein persönliches Headcanon._**

**_dear readerchan: thank you for your nice comment. I try to schedule the updates on time, which is each week to each two weeks. but I won't promise, because I hate breaking promises!_**

**_anyways, thanks alot for reading my crappy fanfiction, although I like it despite being crappy._**

**_i know the story is going to somewhere else . pls be patient with me!_**

**_pls leave a comment and tell me what you think about the story. it is always nice._**

**Servus**

**08.09.2019**


	12. Zwölf

I couldn't calm down. My thoughts were fogged by a thick greyness of everything. My head hurt a lot. I missed Ivan so much. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes, I just locked myself for days, but then, Katyusha would appear like a plant out of nowhere and dragged me outside. Raivis was always shadowing over me. He observed me through those pale lashes. He stared at me and when I caught his gaze, he just tu Ivan. Katyusha admitted it sometimes as we both watched him carefully. She said, only his hair and his face reminded her of his father. I wondered, did Katyusha ever miss Edward? Did she lose the track of time while thinking about him? Did she wish to reverse the time? I thought so. I wished so. I wanted Ivan. Oh God, why was it so difficult for me to keep myself on my feet for once? Why I shattered every time? Ivan was the reason. I loved him and small parts of me hated him, for making me love him so much. A few months ago, I hadn't even thought of being this love sick. Ivan made me feel. I miserably loved him. It took me so long to realize that.

Fuck, I didn't want to live in that house! It was always cold even if I burned all the wood I had. I didn't need a fire place to keep me alive! Hell, even the weather changed, and I still felt cold and alone. Ivan was everything I thought about lately.

I was lying down on my bed when a knock startled me from my daydream.

"Hey, what... what brings you here?" Raivis pushed the door and got inside. Typical of him. I hadn't met him for one week. I didn't feel well and I just wanted to stay inside. I hated news. I hated the words of war. I hated how heavy the atmosphere got when someone brought the speech.

"You look nearly dead." He said. He was right. I didn't care how I looked. I just ate enough to stay alive till the moment I saw Ivan again.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I wasn't avoiding him. I didn't think about him. I just needed to keep myself away from everything. New things weren't fun because Ivan wasn't there. New feelings weren't right because I didn't feel them with a certain Russian. Had I felt that type of grief before? Yes, when I lost Ludwig. Ludwig was too good. I missed him even after all this time. Too good to be alive? Ludwig was too good.

"Well, you are wrong Gilbert, because even if you avoid Katyusha and me, we don't avoid you!" Raivis snapped with blushed cheeks.

What could I say to that? Was I too self-centred that I forgot about them? Maybe...

"Get your shit together. I..."

"Thank you, Raivis."

He fixed his pale eyes on me. It wasn't fair! Raivis looked like Ivan, furrowed his brows like him, talked like him, he had deep voice like him! It was overwhelming.

"Yesterday, this ginger girl confessed to me." Raivis started. I wasn't listening heartedly.

"So, I told her that I wasn't into her..." my head hurt. I was tired of thinking. Words were spinning inside his head and screeching.

" her eyes are green..." Who was Raivis talking about? I wasn't listening anymore. His words were noises I ignored.

My head was pounding. I shut my eyes, but I didn't know I would drift into a tight sleep so easily. Sleeping seemed as far as Ivan was. I felt warm. I knew it was my delusion. But, I felt Ivan for a second. I felt his warmth and his familiar scent. I felt his lips upon mine! I longed for that warmth. I reached my hand out but he disappeared into thin air. Vanished.

When I opened my eyes, the house was cold. A window was open and Raivis was long gone. I felt disappointed when I was left by myself again. Raivis was not a perfect company, but he was better than nothing. At least, I didn't have to speak to myself to fill the deep gap of my loneliness. As I looked around, I noticed a piece of crumbled paper on the table.

I see how you are doing. If you love him, go after him. Stop moaning and whining all day long, just go find him. And, don't hate me after this. I might've stolen a kiss or two while you were asleep.

Raivis.

He was going out of line. But, Raivis was right. I had to find him. Ivan was everything. My head started to hurt again. Ivan hadn't written. Ivan didn't inform me. Ivan left me confused and sick, worried. A thought came across my mind. I was fluent enough in Russian. Maybe I could join the army, too. I was risking my life, I knew it. But, Ivan was worth it. I'd die to meet him. I'd walk miles to see him. I'd do anything, because he made me feel alive! If he wasn't going to be by my side, then I was better dead. Raivis was right. I had to seek him. I missed him. Worrying wouldn't make any difference. I was sick of headaches. I was sick of anxious hours of anticipation. Ivan was in Ukraine. I was going to join him, soon. I was waiting for him.

**_guys I wrote 3 central exams in a week._**

**_thank you Ilich for you comment._**

**_this time I don't have much to rant about, other than apologising for the late update._**

**_Servus_**

**_28.09.19_**


	13. тринадцать

The eastern front? Who knew I'd end up there again? Just a few months ago I had freed myself from the chaos. It felt just like three days ago. I'd go anywhere to find Ivan. I knew there were millions of Ivans out there, struggling, fighting, defending and paying their lives for what they had never caused. Ivans, who were fighting for their land and yet they knew nothing about it. Out there, somewhere in between the bullets and shoots that echoed in one's ear for hours, Ivan was struggling to stay alive! God forbid, if he were to die like that, I'd join him, too. I'd go after him.

"You are sleepless again?" Katyusha cooed when she sat down on her chair. I was in her house. Raivis was sitting across the room and stared at us perplexedly. He knew what I had planned to do.

"He has something to say." He started. I looked at him helplessly and mentally thanked him for opening up the real subject.

"You have to control that sharp tongue of yours, young man." Katyusha hissed dangerously. I shifted uncomfortably around the tense aura. Raivis glared at her but she wasn't going to back off easily. Last time I was there, I witnessed a scene I'd never forget. It was away from what I had thought of a good tempered woman such as Katyusha. Well, I was wrong. Just when I saw her chasing Raivis with a wooden stick around their small house, cursing and cussing, I walked out as slowly as I could.

"I am talking to the old man!" Katyusha hissed through gritted teeth. I wasn't old. I was in my early 20s and it kind of hurt my feelings when she called me old.

"Katyusha, it is ok. Raivis is right. I have to tell you something important." I sighed. "I am joining the army."

Katyusha's rosy lips gaped and she held her hand over her mouth in disbelief. I could read the disappointment in her pale eyes. "It is impossible. You aren't a citizen of this God damn union." She stammered. "You don't have documents! They are going to slaughter you without a second of regret. They are animals!" She wiped her tears fiercely.

"But... but Ivan is out there and..."

"Oh, how oblivious could you be of everything? Haven't you learned about this before? You were in front; you must know what it means when someone disappears for a long time without a trace." My chest hurt. I had a strong urge for crying out, but what good could it cause? Ivan was gone.

"Ivan is gone! He is dead!" She stomped her feet angrily.

"It is not his fault! If he wants to find Ivan, let him go after him! It is his right to know whether he is alive or dead. He is not like you. He doesn't give up on his love as easily as you gave up on dad and me." Raivis interrupted Katyusha. I felt so many emotions at once that I wished that haunted emptiness could return. It was better than this unknown, hideous mixture.

"Shut up, Raivis! You know nothing about me or your so called father. God bless his soul, he was never a perfect man. I don't want to hear about him anymore. I have had enough of this discussion with you." Katyusha was red all over. Her eyes were blood shot and I could feel her rage only growing after every words. I was scared. She was unstoppable. Stupid Raivis. Loud mouthed Raivis. Sure, he looked like Ivan, but his loose mouth reminded me of myself; of my teenage years.

"Stop it!" Raivis held his head between his hands and whined dramatically.

Katyusha eyed him for a brief moment before she looked at me desperately.

"I am sorry." I said. It was my fault. I missed good things. I missed happiness. I had felt happiness with Katyusha, with Ivan, God even with Raivis. I didn't want to start a fight.

"Ivan is dead." She whispered. It broke my heart. I didn't know the truth, yet. I wanted to see his dead body by my own eyes. Even the thought made me shiver.

"I am going with him." Raivis added with a furrow of his brows knotted together.

"No young man, you are not going anywhere." Katyusha replied tiredly but in a serious manner. "You can't tell me what to do. You were never there for me. How come you feel responsible of me now? Edward the old man was right. You are a cowa-"

"Raivis, it is enough. Isn't it? Your words hurt." I said tiredly. He shut his mouth and only shifted his eyes from me at Katyusha. She wiped her tears.

"You aren't coming with me. You are a kid."

"But... what, why?"

"You stay here with your mother. You help her, until I return with Ivan, and I am not going to return without Ivan."

"Can I talk to you for a moment, alone?"

We went outside and he closed the door. He looked like a lost child.

"You don't care about my words?"

"I thought about them, and here I am going after him."

"You don't care about Katyusha? I am no good to her. I hurt everyone. I hurt my father. I am hurting you and Katyusha. Let me come with you. Let me die with you, if I am to die soon. Please. Let me save myself. Let me come with you." He pleaded.

"No, you stay."

"Please, let me help you. There are millions of Ivans out there."

I was nauseated.

"Raivis that is enough. You will stay." I started to go towards my own house, when Raivis held me by my wrist. "At least let me finish what I've to say!" He called out. I stood still without facing him. "I love you." I glanced at him and caught his sight. He was blushing.

"You are sick. Go drink some water. Or you've hit your head hard. Maybe Katyusha hit you hard with that stick." I chuckled even though my lungs were hurting.

"I am serious. You are the only person who understands me. You are the only one that didn't grimaced when I said I liked men. You said I am like you. You stayed with Katyusha and me. I want to be with you, because you filled the emptiness that was going to slowly destroy me."

I turned to face him completely and to look at him. He was looking at me with hopeful eyes; the eyes of a real boy. Although normally he acted serious and stoic, he appeared innocent and honest. I smiled at him.

"I think I love you."

"My, my, Raivis." I laughed.

"Yeah, go on. Take me as a lame joke." He retorted. I stopped laughing.

"I want to go with you, Gilbert." He repeated aloud. He hid his eyes with his sleeves and before he could remove his hand away, I hugged him. He froze but then melted slowly and returned the affectionate act.

"Thank you, Raivis. I could've loved you, too, maybe. But, you are already so important." I pulled back.

"Just let me hug you for a moment." I hugged him back and let him weep silently. It was hard for all of us. Love wasn't something healthy in war zone. War had no fairness.

"Go back to your mother. If you love me, you'll wait. I'll see you tomorrow."

I walked away and could only feel a strange relief. As if a weight had gotten away from my chest. Raivis, that crazy bastard. I chuckled at the thought of him being in love with me. Crazy. Sometimes, those little memories brightened my day even if it was the gloomiest of my time.

**_hey lovely people! today is Germany's unification day! and it is Aph Germany's birthday._**

**_because of that, I wanted to post this chapter today._**

**_as always, thanks for the comments and reading. I have 2 weeks holiday and I am sure I can update more frequently. but no promises..._**

**_I've written a one shot fanfic about Prussia last year, because I was inspired by Mauerfall and Deutsche Einheit._**

**servus**

**3.10.19**


	14. Vierzehn

I held my bag tight. It was time to go. It was time to say farewell. I didn't want to leave that small town across the river if it wasn't for Ivan. Everything was for him, wasn't it?

I was standing in front of Katyusha's house. It was early in the morning and everybody was asleep. Katyusha, Raivis and I were walking silently through the last street close to the train station which took me directly to Kiev. I had to register my name to the station. It was a long way and I wasn't sure if I could ever return.

"Thank you so much for everything. I am very appreciative of everything you did. You taught me so much." I began to speak to Katyusha although there was a bubble in my chest that could explode at any moment. I glanced at Raivis in between, too. He was quiet and only looked at me. His nose was red from the wind that blew and his wavy hair danced with it.

Katyusha wiped her face and looked at me for the last time before hugging me. She hugged me so tight that I burst into tears and had to bite my lips to stop the whimpers that were about to escape my mouth. I pulled Raivis and hugged him. He hesitantly returned the action and we all were crying. I'd miss them. They were my family. In all honesty, I never met a woman like Katyusha again. She was one a kind.

"Come on, Raivis, it is time to go." Katyusha pulled away. She walked away as she was crying. She was trying hard to stop her tears but it was impossible. "Would I see you later, maybe?" Raivis asked helplessly. His voice was shaking.

"I am looking forward to it. But I am not making a promise." I answered. He took my hand within his own and handed me a watch with a leather wristband. "It is all I can offer now. Take this for me and return it. I am giving this watch to you, because it is important for me, and I want you to bring it back to me. It was my father's."

"What if I don't return?"

"Then keep it close." I put the watch inside my pocket and took my bag to go to the station. Raivis stood still with an expression that made him look older and manlier.

"Will I meet you, when the war is over?" He shouted. I turned around and thought for a moment. Maybe the war wasn't even going to end. Maybe, I'd die in the battle. But, when I saw how eager he looked and how serious he had asked, I was pretty much sure that I'd come back to this town.

"Yes, Raivis. We'll meet again sooner or later. Farewell." As I walked farther I heard his footsteps' sounds disappear. When I looked back, there was nothing to be seen and it reminded me of my first days in this town, when I knew nobody and wished to die.

The train station's frame appeared and I waited there. There was nobody except me. I was all alone. I lit a cigarette and smoked a little. It made me feel at least a little less nervous. The smoke worked badly on my lungs and the taste was bitter. I wasn't a regular smoker. When I was in front, they gave us cigarettes for two main reasons: 1) to keep us warm. 2) to keep our nerves calm. Cigarette made me calm down. Nobody knew what type of nightmare the front was. Nobody knew what struggles a soldier went under. I dreamed about my comrades every night. Especially after Ivan left, my nightmares got worse. They were so real. Most of the times, I was with Ludwig but then when I opened my eyes, he was gone and I knew that he was only within my dreams, yet it made me miss him more than ever. Ludwig was a great man. He didn't deserve a tragic death like that. I saw the smoke from the far distance and hopped on my feet. I hugged my bag tight and waited until the vehicle came to a halt. It blew a lot of steam and warmed the air around me.

"Your ticket please." The man asked me and I handed him my ticket without speaking. He looked at me. "Take your hat off" he demanded and I followed.

"Go in." he said and looked at me.

"Thank you." I found a place close to the window and sat there. I fell asleep slowly. The bumping of the train made me stir from side to side and woke me up occasionally. People were loud.

"Wake up, wake up!"

I opened my eyes and saw a young man dressed in uniform. He took his hand out and wanted to see my citizenship card. Mine was false. I handed him the ID and prayed to God to have mercy on me. The man returned it and moved forward. His voice was too deep and too loud for his own goodness.

"You fell asleep as soon as you sat. Are you ok?" The man in front of me asked with an interest. I nodded and rubbed my eyes after yawning.

"I am going to Ukraine." I finally said. He smiled and clicked his tongue. He was a real Polish. His accent was different.

"How about you?" I asked.

"Ukraine. There are stations that need more soldiers for the front. I've heard that this is the last battle in Ukraine. I don't believe it." He tied his hair and leaned back. "I don't agree. This war and this battle will never end until the Führer is still on rule." He continued.

"I believe you are right."

"I am Felix. Maybe your future fellow comrade." He flashed a smile. He was a lot skinnier than me. He wasn't specifically ready for the hardship. Especially since he was constantly playing with his shoulder length hair; he had to shave it or cut it.

"Gilbert." I said curtly.

"You seem familiar, to be honest. Aren't you that one new Polish guy in that town close to the river? I bet you lied about being Polish. It is ok; you didn't harm anyone by that name." He smiled again.

"I am afraid you are right." I sighed.

"I won't tell anyone about this. I know you're a German, from the kind types. I like kind people, even if the person is a German. Don't worry." My face was burning and my hands were sweating.

"Besides, who knows whether we'd get back alive or not, so fuck everything. I am not here for hate." He pulled his hat over his face and after a few minutes, he was snoring.

It was going to be a long way.

**_felix has entered the chat!_**

**_sorry because of that one glitch( mistake) in the last chapter. I am simply too lazy to correct it anytime soon. but I will fix it...later._**

**_i hope you are enjoying this Fanfic sofar._**

**_servus_**

**_11.10.2019_**

**_p.s. hell is going to start in a week._**


	15. пятнадцать

Felix was a talkative person by nature. He spoke and smiled, as if we weren't on our way to death's mouth. It even didn't bother him that I was a German who used a false Polish identification. Unlike my expectation, he meant it when he had said he didn't even care.

He was sitting before me with his hand running and untying strides of golden hair. Sadly, he had to cut it before joining the army.

"What makes you think that I have to cut it?"

I was sure that there were enough insects to find a home in his hair and that was reason enough.

"Because it will be difficult for you to clean it." I didn't know him, so I really didn't tend to start the directness. He just shook his head with a soft smile.

"I met this teenager a few weeks ago and helped him get to your town. He looked mature and kinda angry." He lit a cigarette, inhaled the smoke and blew it out through his nose. He coughed a little but continued on smoking.

"And then, all I can think of is that boy."

I wasn't listening to him.

"Which boy?" I asked with a slight taste of confusion. He chuckled.

"That boy with weird accent and blond hair."

"Are you talking about yourself?"

He laughed at that. He ran a hand into his hair and played with the end of his hair and untied the knots. I looked at him and waited for an answer. He threw his head back and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Nope. I am talking about a Russian boy. I feel like you might know him. He is tall, too blond, has a crocked nose, and appears very intimidating." With all those descriptions I could only think about one person only; Ivan. But then, Ivan was no teenager. Felix was talking about Raivis, probably.

"I know plenty of people, who look like that." I said with a shrug. "Why are you talking so fondly of him?" I added. Felix threw his cigarette out from the window before answering. He had a wise look in his eyes and smiled once he found something.

"I think I had to know him, because he looked a lot like someone I used to know." he sighed like a movie star.

I nearly choked while drinking water and he immediately started to recite a hymn.

"It will help you." He patted my back gently.

"H-how old are you?" I stuttered. "Age is just a number but I am 21." He answered.

...

We were finally in Moscow after two and a half days. My legs hurt and my butt felt like heavy, jelly because of the long time I'd been sitting on a chair. Felix non-chalantly patted his butt and stretched his legs. We had to change our trains.

"Hey, let's go get some cigarettes." He dragged me along with himself. He went to a shop, and something magical happened. Suddenly, the Felix that I knew wasn't the one speaking fluent Russian, with an attitude that made him appear like a native Russian. The man asked him a few question with some difficult slang words that Ivan and I never learned together. Maybe, he should've taught me some slangs, too.

"What do you want?" Felix asked. I looked at him blankly. What I wanted - I was actually thinking about him - I didn't know. "Come on. Hey, g'mme an extra package." He said with a stern, loud voice. I looked at him confusedly while the shopper turned his back at us, Felix winked at me.

"Here. Oui, Felix, who's this guy?" The shopper lit his cigarette and passed it to Felix. The blond took a long moment. "Just a friend."

"His eyes are weird." He pointed at his iris. "He is an albino. Well, maybe I'll meet you after serving. God bless you, Maxim." Felix gestured with his head at me and we both went out. Wind blew his blond hair and it danced in every direction. "I guess we should head back." He said. I didn't know much about the city so I relied pretty much on him.

"Do you know the shopkeeper?" I asked as we were walking.

"Yeah... I met him last time when I was taking a train towards my military station. We talked and became acquainted. But it is nothing serious." He said with a stoic face. "He just happens to give extra discount for me." He winked and cracked a grin. I sighed internally.

As we were walking inside the main station, I noticed a poster on the wall of the entry hall. It was about fascism. I strode back towards the waiting hall where Felix was enjoying his smoke. "Fascist! Take him!" For a moment my whole body froze and a shudder ran down to my spine. I kept on walking and didn't look back. The hall was getting louder and the number of angry Russians was increasing. My heart was beating so fast. My breathing was shortened and my feet were giving up on me! "Fascist! Get him! He is the one speaking German. He has a black coat!" I was sure that they were talking about me. I had black coat, I spoke German and I looked strange enough to be pointed at. I clenched my fists and walked, while waiting for my destiny to hand me to them. The sound and noise of shoes striding rapidly towards my direction was the most irritating sound I'd heard. "I hate Germans!" A woman yelled. I stopped, so they could catch me. "Look, he went out! Don't let him go!" A tall man with black hair ran in the opposite direction of mine. "That's the rat! He is a spy." The woman yelled again. It wasn't me. I was safe. My knees weakened and I had to lean against the wall. While I took a breath to relax the tension of panic from my body, I was also watching them from the corner of my eyes. They had caught him. The police made him kneel down and cuffed him. "Who are you?" The man looked at them disdainfully and with a roll of his eyes, his gaze fell on me. I straightened my posture and looked at him. "I am Viktor." He answered with a heavy German accent. "What are you doing here?"

"He is a spy!" The impatient woman spat. Viktor grimaced when the lady yelled. Her voice was sharp, unpleasant and very annoying. "Mea culpa, " he whispered and held his head down. "Get him to the jail." The police pulled him to his feet and dragged him inside.

I was still startled, when Felix tapped on my shoulder. "Hey, where were you? We have five more minutes." I yanked his hand away and paced toward the car. Viktor was still inside and his head was down. I looked around to make sure nobody was there, and slowly stood on tip of my toes to see him. "Mea maxima culpa." I cooed. He shot up. "What are you doing here?" I asked him and watched around to make sure nobody was there. "Gilbert... Oh my God, I...I... can't. If you met my mutti, tell her that she was right!" He said while his tears were falling down to his rosy cheeks. I reached my hand out and he held it on his cheek. I brushed his tear from his face with a hand. "I thought you were dead. But, you still remember that latin verse. I do, too." Viktor chuckled. "Hey! What are you doing? Get the fuck outta there!" The police shouted. I snatched my hand back and looked at him for the last moment. "Vale..." Viktor whispered and I ran back inside.

Felix was still standing on his place, staring blankly ahead. "I thought Germans were against homosexuality." He commented with a cocked brow. We got into the train. "So... you were getting really intimate there."

I didn't mind his words. I had so many feelings bundled up, that I could feel nothing. That was a harsh end for Viktor.

"Next station: Tyla."

**_another chapter *_**

**_felix is still clueless about Gilbert's sexuality..._**

**_servus_**

**_11.10.2019_**


	16. Sechszehn

It was difficult for me to not think about Viktor. He was as close as a brother to me. We grew up together, we became men together. He was my best friend, my brother and my comrade. It was not fair. He deserved better.

"Tut mir leid," I muttered to myself. Felix on the other hand was peacefully asleep. I thanked God mentally. He was getting so annoying at times. He reminded me of myself. I used to be like him; I talked a lot, I said nonsense, I annoyed Ludwig and Elizabeta a lot. But, everything changed when the war began; Ludwig and I joined the army. We went through so much; we saw so much that I completely forgot who I used to be. When I lost Ludwig, I couldn't take it any further.

Everything was black and white; I just wanted to stay away as far as I could, until I met Ivan. I met Katyusha. They made me feel warm, they melted the ice inside my heart, and Ivan; he granted me a colourful world, filled with happiness. Last time, I couldn't save my loved ones, but this time, I wasn't going to let them vanish from my life that easily. I'd stand and fight, if it took everything, it could take me, too.

Time passed slowly, everything was in a slow pace. I was drifting in and out. The night was coming out. All I could see was trees. It was boring. Felix was asleep for 3 hours straight. I had started contemplating to see if he was alive or gone. As harsh as it sounded, it was the truth; death had no mercy and was no game to play with.

I looked at the landscape but my eyes slowly fell on him. His head bobbed but he was peacefully leaning against the seat. He didn't seem to be a bad guy. I thought, maybe he was not that annoying after all. We could become friends. Just, maybe.

He stirred a little and opened his eyes. His half-closed eyes stared at me and then, he scratched his head with a weird face.

"You nearly scared the shit out of me." He said with a groggy voice. "Stop staring at my soul. It is creepy," he shooed me with his hands. I couldn't help but smile at his amusing behaviour. "I need to go to the toilet." He stood up and walked towards the toilet. When he came back, his hair was tied back and his eyes were fully open. His green eyes glimmered with excitement.

"What's with that face?" I asked.

He looked at me and giggled.

"What?" I spat. He pointed at my hair. "Cow lick." I looked at my reflection on the window. My hair was clamped to a side. "Very funny, ha ha." I said with no sign of humour. "Your hair looked like bird nest." He took a step back, but started to laugh harder. I laughed, too. "Oui, you two foreigners, shut it! We're trying to sleep." An old grandpa yelled from the end of the cabin with his scratchy voice. Felix looked around and when the sight was clear, he stuck his tongue out towards the man. I burst again.

"Shhh..." Felix put his hand over my mouth. We both were laughing again. We were laughing for no specific reason, no specific event, nothing had happened, but suddenly, everything was funny. Felix was funny. His cheeks were rosy. He sat on his place. "I can't stand those types of people." He said. I couldn't stand them, too.

"Tomorrow, I am going to cut my hair." He sighed. It was surprising.

"Sure?"

"Sure as hell."

Felix stood up from his chair and turned around. His face appeared more defined. His high cheek bones and his jaw line were more at sight. He appeared somehow younger, too.

It was my turn to trim my white hair. It took me 10 minutes, unlike Felix, who needed 5 minutes to get ready for the huge change and 15 minutes to get his hair done.

We were in a rusty barber shop in Tyla. Felix's hair was shorter on sides. He looked good. At least, more manly.

"I feel sorry for my hair." He exclaimed dramatically. I rolled my eyes. "Shut up." I said. He just giggled.

"You look like a human." I pointed at him. He smiled but his expression fell. He took a sharp breath and looked at me. "I never liked my long hair. Someone liked it. They said I looked pretty with my long hair. I kept on growing my hair." He ran a hand in his hair. "But then they died in front of my eyes. So, I wanted to keep a piece of them." I felt sorry for him.

"I got emotional, sorry." He drifted his eyes away and took a shaky breath.

"No, don't. Actually, I let my hair grow for someone, too." I winked. He chuckled and leaned forward on his chair. "So? Who is that someone?"

I looked at him. "I won't tell anybody." He squeezed my hand.

"Ivan." I said shortly.

"I know him that kid looks like him. How did you find him? I really don't know what to say man, but he is pretty dangerous." He mumbled.

"How do you know him?" I asked.

"We served again. He went dangerously insane when his wife died." He said.

"What else do you know about him?"

"You seem interested..."

"Felix! Tell me."

"He has a sister. Their relationship seemed off last I saw him. I tried to help him but he nearly choked the day light out of my life." Felix showed a rounded mark on his neck. "He even threw a stone at me. He was going to kill me. If you're searching him, I don't know you anymore." He rubbed his neck fearfully.

"But he helped me."

"You are just one lucky bastard. He could kill you. Unless he liked you specifically." He yawned.

"Whatever. Do what you wanna do, I am not sure if I'll meet him or not. If you did, tell him Felix' neck hasn't healed yet." His passive aggressive tone was literally annoying me. It wasn't very important. But, what he told me was important. Made me know Ivan more. The man that made me fall in love could actually attempt many things.

.later that day, when I woke up from a short nap, I saw Felix staring quietly outside. Golden hair shone bright and his porcelain skin appeared pale. "You are awake." He said with a hushed voice. I nodded.

"what is wrong?" I asked while stretching.

"I miss my family and friends. They were mostly slaughtered by Reds and Nazis. I don't like to describe every Russian as Red or every German as Nazi. They aren't the same. I have met nice Russians and Germans, too." he smiled at me.

"why are you returning to the front?" I asked carefully, testing the water.

"When my friend was shot before my eyes, he told me run away and survive no matter what happens. I ran away from Poland and joined the Reds. I loathed them. But, that was only choice I had. I want to live, Gilbert. I want to live." Felix bit his lips and exhaled his shaky breath. I just watched him with my hands on my lap.

"We are in Oreal now."

**_I hope you all are healthy. I am sorry for such a long delay. To be honest, I didn't think I will update my fanfics again. somehow, after I re-read your comments, they made me hopeful and ignited my motivation slightly._****_thanks for reading._****_\- blei_**


	17. семнадцать

We stayed in the main Rail station for an hour or so until the engines were cool enough to move. Felix kept me entertained for the time being.

"I served with the Reds. We fought shoulder by shoulder against Nazis. Believe me, I saw younger boys holding rifles up towards us. I am not a poetic person, and yes I do over exaggerate things sometimes, but the look in their terrified eyes made my heart skip a beat. Gilbert, they were kids. But at the end, in 1943 we took Oreal back." Felix puffed a cloud of grey smoke. I was listening to his stories a lot lately. I hadn't thought that a man like Felix who appeared like a care free, inexperienced and free loader, actually had gone through so much. His words kept me thrilled.

"When we contacted the locals for the first time over the past year, they said that the Nazis brought so many downsides with them. They forced the citizens of the city to throw away the signs and symbols of the Reds. But, it surprised them that they reopened some of the churches back." He threw the cigarette to the ground and stepped over it. he smiled at me.

"They did what?" I repeated with a high pitched voice.

"I don't know. All I know is that they reopened the Our Lady Of Okhtyrka Eparchial Cathedral during their occupation back in 1942. It was originally shut after the revolution." He shrugged a shoulder and pouted his lips. I didn't stir for a while. Felix clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, don't freeze." He laughed. We walked back to the train. After we sat, the signal horn was heard and the engine started to move. On the suburbs of the city we could see men at work. Felix said the construction workers were ordered to build industries and fabrics all around the suburbs.

"Most of them are steel mills." He said and pointed at a huge area surrounded by machineries and heavy materials.

"Stalin is ordering like a mad, as if he is running out of time." I said dryly without any humorous sense, but Felix laughed. He even flicked a fake tear very dramatically. His act made me doubt his words for a second.

The next stop was Shostka, the first station in the Ukrainian SSR landmark.

Felix wasn't going to stop rambling.

"Felix, aren't you tired?" I asked with a sense of concern.

"Oh, no, I don't! Matter of fact, I feel every energetic."

He wasn't going to shut up.

"Do you want to know about this city?" He asked mischievously.

I glanced at him and gave up.

"Ok, go on."

"So, this city is like the mother of filmproduction in the whole Union. It has a very historical value. In the 18th century, the Russian Empire's main producer of gunpowder was this city. Although it wasn't a city till 1920, but, the point is, this place is very beneficial..." He kept on maundering about the cultural importance of the city, while I patiently looked outside of the window. The river was mesmerising.

"This is Desna." Felix pointed. I wondered why he knew so much about every station we passed.

"You could've become a tour-guide."

" a guide touristique" I winked with a smirk and pronounced the words in the best French accent I could manage to form.

"I thought so. I don't know. Later seems like years away, you know? We are going to the front, so I am not sure, if..." he trailed off. His face darkened. "If I will ever come back." He said. There was nothing left to say. I let the moment sink.

"Please take out your ID cards" A man in uniform exclaimed. Felix was asleep. It was early in the morning and I was not totally in mood of waking up a certain Polish guy.

The train came into a halt and we had to leave it. Felix was trying to keep his eyes open. I really wanted to hit him on back of his head. That would wake him, but I stood against that idea.

"Yo, what the heck? Are we there this early?!" Felix yawned.

"No, it looks like they're going to check us."

We were waiting in a row. Men in uniform checked our papers and sent us further.

"You are going to Kyiv?" A man asked me. I turned my head to see him fully. He was shorter than me, but much stronger.

"Yes!" I said, acting like my military instincts required. "Step aside. Go wait in front of that building." He pointed at a 2 story building with a lot of men and women in front of it. "I am going to the front too." Felix said. I slapped him mentally. "Go wait there." We both went to the said place.

"What the hell?!" Felix yelled suddenly. I looked at him and there was the police behind him. He was holding his gun against his back. My blood went cold all at once and everything darkened.

"What are you doing?" Another police man asked his comrade. "Nothing, I am just making sure that they are going to the said place." He narrowed his eyes at my direction. The taller man nodded curtly and walked towards the train. "Now, either you two shut the hell up, or I'll leave you here." Felix and I exchanged worried looks with each other. The Russian officer smirked and gestured towards a room. We had no choice but to follow his order. Inside the room was filled with papers. An old desk and an old chair. He sat on his chair. We both helplessly waited beside each other and wondered when would the sudden storm break.

"Hello, Felix." The man began. Felix' head shot up and his eyes grew round. "Long time, since we have met each other, da?" Felix' puls was rising as his breathing was shortened. I nudged him slightly at his side. He looked at me, then took a step forward.

"How do you know me?" He asked. The man clicked his tongue in disbelief and shook his head. "You don't remember, do you?"

"I don't, like, you seem familiar, like someone I've seen, like a few times, but like, I really don't know..." the man smiled. "You are still using 'like' alot. You are Felix Lukasiewic." He lighted a cigarette. "I am Gabriel." I honestly didn't know what was going on. Gabriel and Felix knew eachother, and still the atmostphere was so intimidiating. "You, Gabriel. You've gained weight!" Felix said. Gabriel sighed and held his head on his hand. "You havn't changed."

"You must be Braginski, right?" "Yes, sir." "Ok, I've found the right people. Let's go. Ivan is waiting."

"Where? Which Ivan?" I asked. "Ivan Braginski. He sent me here. He owes me though... but that is for later. Now, walk!" I walked out first with Felix following me. We sat inside a car and waited until Gabriel spoke to his comrade. I was thinking about Ivan and how did he find out about us. It was confusing.

Gabriel returned and started the engine. Suddenly, we were driving towards the opposite direction. "We are going back." He said with an expressionless voice and face. "But we came all the way..." Felix protested. "Ivan said so." He hushed him. "So how did he find out about us?" I asked impatiently. "It might be shocking, but he saw you guys waiting on the check point. And he got badly injured afterwards." He sighed.

"It is impossible. He was in Kyiv, how, why?"

"Calm down, Gilbert." Gabriel hissed. "I have no idea why I got involved with this love story, just keep quiet, can you?" I didn't speak, and eventually I fell asleep. When I woke up, Felix was asleep and Gabriel was still driving despite the darkness that conquered the whole sky.

After a moment, he began to speak. "You must be tired? It is ok, train chairs are stiff; not quite proper for a long trip."

I didn't answer. My head hurt.

"Ivan got shot by another comrade. It was an accident. I am sorry, but I don't know what to do. Had I said it before, Felix would've started a drama." I glanced at the blond beside me. Peaceful and calm. He had nothing to worry about. I was jealous of him. I was tired. I was too worked up, my emotions were mixed and my chest squeezed. My eyes stringed and all I could, was to stop my tears from falling. I hadn't cried for so long. Last time, Ivan made me cry, and again, Ivan made me cry. I didn't want to speak, because my voice had already cracked. I turned my face and looked at the darkness of the sky.

"He is fine. Just... sleep. Yeah, goodnight." Gabriel awkwardly hummed. I shut my eyes. My tears rolled down my cheek.

When I woke up again, the car was parked. There was nobody inside other than me. I was terrified. I walked out and couldn't see clearly because the air was foggy. We were not in a city; that was clear.

"Felix?" I called. No answer. "Gabriel!" I called again. Slowly, I was getting more nervous, when a pair of hands clapped on my shoulders. I turned around and nearly screamed. Felix had no hair. His blond hair was all gone. Gabriel came with a smile on his face. "It is your turn." "Na... no. I refuse!" I panicked. Gabriel grinned and took my arm. "Sit down, Braginski. I am not going to kill you." I sat on a rock and watched my pale hair strands fall down one by one. "Thank you, can we go now?" I asked. Gabriel nodded. We continued on our way without any other reason to stop. We were faster than a train. Felix was sad. But, it was for his own good.If I were to say something with honesty about Felix' new appearance, I'd say he appeared more man like, after his hair cut.

Everything was 'better', but nobody could escape the intimidiating atmostphere of Moscow. And, nobody could calm the nausea within my heart. Where was Ivan?

_thanks for reading. i hope you enjoy my work so far.__i have started a new fanfiction "**pink vitamins"** and it is about Ludwig, friends and family, and how they deal with **Covid-19.**__I live in Berlin and I wanted to write about something which might be interesting for the none Berliners.__i wanted to show the social and everyday life in Berlin, because there are very little description about it.__I would be happy if you check it out.__blei~_


End file.
